Inadequacy
by LevyRasputin
Summary: 8/15 Soi and Shuuhei are out on a date in Rukongai, they talk about the way they become shinigami, untill Shuu make a bad, bad trip...


He had always thought that, from a certain point of view, Rukongai could even become a nice place to hang around. Shuuhei enjoyed it, its chaotic streets, its dusty colors, and the fact that people didn't look as stiff as inside the Court of Pure Souls. He was a quiet rebel, Shuuhei Hisagi, always calm and considerate, always working hard for the benefit of Soul Society, nevertheless he was comfortable around the most neglected, secluded narrows of Rukongai. On truth, he felt at ease almost everywhere…

The woman that walked with him was a complete different kind. She was born inside the Court, not used to the mess that organized itself in a multilayered chaos outside of it. Just to clarify that Soifon taichou was never scared nor intimidated by anything, she used to walk around Rukongai with some aggressive, displeased look on her face. Not that night, though. That night she was just too sleepy and slightly teased by the chill breeze to mind about appearances. In any case, there was none around to intimidate with her icy glance, beside that annoying 9th squad taichou that was dangerously hard, or almost impossible, to intimidate. Anyway, the ramen bowl they'd shared was delicious, she thought randomly, masking an oddly relaxed yawn with the bony palm of her hand.

- tired, taichou? – Shuuhei asked with the half-teasing, half-flirty smile he often used to speak to her. She hadn't decided yet if she found it simply silly or also annoying, and she was too worn out to worry about the fact that in the mean time, she might get used to it….  
- I told you, it's a shit of a job…..- he continued, stretching his back, while the small lanterns of the kiosks were turned off, one after one, as they pass by . There were still a pair of drunk men inside the restaurants, but they were actually the last customers to leave on their feet.  
- oh, stop fussing… - she answered stroking her eyes. She was indeed very tired from the whole training session in the afternoon, then the whole division bureaucracy with that moron of Omaeda, sadly known for being completely useless when it comes to work without showing off. The thought of his disgusting habit of munching crackers was enough to give her headache, but maybe that night the mental image of her dumb subordinate was just igniting an headache that would have come anyway – I am tired, too...  
- that's the way of shinigami, Honeybee… - Soi virtually stabs him with a dreadful glance that Shuuhei pretended not to notice. Taunting Soifon was incredibly funny, even if it looked like his continuous teasing wasn't having the refreshing effect he settled it up to on his stiff, relentless date.  
- I'll walk you home, then… - and before she could answer anything, he added, with the usual annoying grin – I know you are perfectly safe on your own, it's just that I want to spend another twenty minutes with you.

Soi simply ignored his umpteenth try at playing the gigolo with her, her eyes were wandering through the dark corners of the houses and the shabby fences of the courtyards, along the dusty road that looked desolate enough to lack even the classic stray dogs. Shuuhei looked at her from the corner of his sharp eyes: she seemed more curious than uncomfortable in that moment. Maybe that miserable lot got some exotic charm to her. He knows that Soi had grown up in a small, monotonous place.  
- I used to live in a place like this and becoming a shinigami hasn't changed me enough to make me forget about it…  
- Did you grow up here, Hisagi? – she asked in an oddly soft voice.  
- Not here exactly. This is 15th south district, I'm from… - and he pointed at the number tattooed on his cheek - ..69th west.  
- That means…  
- Yes, it means 54 times the mess you find here – he answered grinning – nah, it was not that bad. You have to learn how to survive and stay out of troubles, but once you do that, and you have people to rely on, life is a bit more spicy than inside the Court. People are living their life, not just working, here.  
- You can resign anytime you want…  
Shuuhei stretched his back again. One way or another they always came to that argument when they are together. It could be Soi's strict devotion to duty colliding with his lack of elite pride.  
- I entered the Shinigami Academy willing fully..  
- Failing the test two times… – she muttered with a half smile of her own, that left a him with a warm, cozy sensation. He loved to no end those rare (rare, but pleasantly increasing, he noticed) moments in which she tried to tease him back.  
- Whatever..- he answered playfully, trying to look utterly wounded in his pride, and Soi paid him back with the smile she has just hinted a moment before - … I owe a lot of my skills as a shinigami to the rough school of the district. Same goes for a lot of my pals: Renji, Ikkaku, Yumichika… Zaraki taichou, if you want to take the Top Class Student of survival camp in Rukongai. You know what I hate most about this kids I'm leading in missions? They do not know when it's time to run for life, or at least that' s what it seems… I hate it… it takes more than passing a test to be a real shinigami, but this dumb heads don't seems to have notice it yet. If I had to quit, I'll return gladly to the Shinigami Academy…  
- To take the test another time…? – Soi asked, nastily amused, to his major content.  
- To teach the little bitches how it has to be done…  
- You'd be good for that job – she said sincerely. Shuuhei's lips curved under the pressure of that irrational happiness of feeling close to someone, the dangerous kind of enthusiasm that usually lead to very bad trips.

- And what about you..? I can't imagine you being something else than a shinigami…  
Soi smiled of a frail, disarmed smile – Me neither…. My life, it's always been like this. –  
Shuuhei started to see better what exactly had insinuated that vibe of endless self-displeasure inside her. Unlike him, she had never had a chance of changing her path, or test her true worth. She had been raised to become a shinigami and serve well the Shihouin clan, like she was born only for that purpose. There had never been any acknowledgment for her successes, and no merit in her progress in the eyes of the ones who raised her just in order to fulfill an assignment. None ever asked her what she wanted to do before she met…  
- my whole family did, they didn't ask me, I didn't even question myself if I wanted it or not – she murmured, her words as feeble as a tiny smoke plume. She expired heavily, like she was about to tell something very secret – I didn't know the meaning of things like free-will or the value of my own life until the day I started to serve the Shihouin mistress….

He couldn't tell what came across his mind to take a step that far, it took him only a moment to say what he had just understood. Everything was so clear, everything made sense in that light, and he made the naïve mistake of feeling he'd come a step closer to her through that revelation. Driven by the warm sensation of her closeness invading his mind and senses, he said - And that's the reason why you fall in love with her…

He said it softly, but if was not soft enough.

Soi froze. Paralyzed like even a minimal movement could break her into pieces. And he realized he had done a terrible mistake, but there are things that can't be undone. He did not try to apologize, it was useless, somehow disrespectful. He just had to stand and face the fact he had touched her where he should not, to face the fact that he could have destroyed everything he had built in that weeks, and moreover to face the fact that she could have not overcome at all her feelings for her master, and maybe, won't ever do that. The fact that she would not be able to love him back not even in a thousand years. Like their first night together, Shuuhei stopped speaking and stood silent by her side, not leaving her alone, but trying as hard as possible to be an absolute nobody. He didn't remember that the sensation of being by her side, yet not being there, could hurt like that, but things changes faster that people expect, and Shuuhei had been too confident and focused on her till that day, that he lacked a good measure of the deepness of his own feelings. That was, no doubt about it, even a worst mistake.

He walked her home with a casual chat on random things she did not listen at, and when they part ways, he felt like he has evaporated along the way, leaving an empty shell by her side.  
- See you, taichou.. – he said, not mentioning 'when' it was supposed to happen, because he was firmly determined to try his best to look at least not pathetic. He had already had his share of inadequacy for that night.  
- See you tomorrow, Hisagi – she answered, more pensive than cold - Gotei 13 meeting at midday.  
Shuuhei tried to smile at her, but he did it bitterly and he couldn't help it. He was not sure that Soi notice, though – ..phef… ordinary shinigami life. Tomorrow, then..  
She hinted a brief smile, then close the door, looking smaller and younger than she used too, some old pain emerging like drowned corpses from the deepness of her dark, wandering eyes.  
It took a huge effort to him to resist the temptation of bang his head into the wall till it bleeds and beg her to forgive him, or, more modestly, to call her out again and simply say – I'm sorry.


End file.
